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CHAPTER ONE: PAGE ONE
I use to not fear death but now it follows me behind every turn. I was nervous. Visibly nervous, my fingers didn't let my luggage handle go since the beginning of the trip. It must've been nearly two years ago when I last rode the Whitehaven train alone.
It was a two hour trip with the clattering and whinging of train wheels rolling over their tracks. But now I hardly noticed, I hardly noticed anything anymore. My eyes were glued to the endless passing of water down below, its navy glow reflecting off the orange and faded pink tinge spread across the sky. The sun, it was setting, tucking itself back into its slumber behind the lips of the far mountains. I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip.
My hard case luggage rocked against me as the slither of the train ducked its head into a nest of hills and houses. The stretch of endless blue sea vanished without a moment's notice as I entered the mouth of the tunnels. The silence of the voices, the lack of company and the vacant touches of strangers as they weaved past, these subtle things I would have never thought I'll miss.
Now it was just me, this one train and my bag. My mother had been sitting with me the last time I was here, and I was about three years younger, had an ice-cream in my hands that was leaking down my fingers. I had smiled, laughed, looked up at my mother's kind blue eyes and felt at home instantly. The weather was a lot warmer back then that I now cringe at the motion of anything icy moving along my hand. But this time, my mother was nothing more but a voice on the other end of a phone call.
She had called just moments before; worried of course, the sadness in her voice was poorly masked by laughter. I could only comfort her back with the same fakeness. It was short, cut off by the distance separating us. The train finally came to a halt with the screech of metal wheels as I was rocked back and forth. I picked up my bag and walked out.
The smoke of the train floated into the air in thin black mushroom tails and disappeared behind the trees. As I got off the train the station was nothing more than a block of concrete in the middle of bush with only two wooden posts and one large sign. One would think there was no such thing as Whitehaven and the train had merely deserted me in the middle of a bush land.
I use to not fear death but now it follows me behind every turn. I was nervous. Visibly nervous, my fingers didn't let my luggage handle go since the beginning of the trip. It must've been nearly two years ago when I last rode the Whitehaven train alone.
It was a two hour trip with the clattering and whinging of train wheels rolling over their tracks. But now I hardly noticed, I hardly noticed anything anymore. My eyes were glued to the endless passing of water down below, its navy glow reflecting off the orange and faded pink tinge spread across the sky. The sun, it was setting, tucking itself back into its slumber behind the lips of the far mountains. I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip.
My hard case luggage rocked against me as the slither of the train ducked its head into a nest of hills and houses. The stretch of endless blue sea vanished without a moment's notice as I entered the mouth of the tunnels. The silence of the voices, the lack of company and the vacant touches of strangers as they weaved past, these subtle things I would have never thought I'll miss.
Now it was just me, this one train and my bag. My mother had been sitting with me the last time I was here, and I was about three years younger, had an ice-cream in my hands that was leaking down my fingers. I had smiled, laughed, looked up at my mother's kind blue eyes and felt at home instantly. The weather was a lot warmer back then that I now cringe at the motion of anything icy moving along my hand. But this time, my mother was nothing more but a voice on the other end of a phone call.
She had called just moments before; worried of course, the sadness in her voice was poorly masked by laughter. I could only comfort her back with the same fakeness. It was short, cut off by the distance separating us. The train finally came to a halt with the screech of metal wheels as I was rocked back and forth. I picked up my bag and walked out.
The smoke of the train floated into the air in thin black mushroom tails and disappeared behind the trees. As I got off the train the station was nothing more than a block of concrete in the middle of bush with only two wooden posts and one large sign. One would think there was no such thing as Whitehaven and the train had merely deserted me in the middle of a bush land.
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Test Tube Zombie
Fuzzy, that's what the world looks like to the patient on the medical room table. His eyes blink once, twice, three times, a forth, slowly surroundings come into focus. Everything is stiff and feels disjointed. The air is filled with the chemical sting of sterilizer and he squints against the harsh lights and blindingly white walls. Sounds are nothing more than buzzing that struggles to become clear. He groans and tries to move only to discover the unpleasant restraint of metal cuffs.
"Canyouhearme?" A voice sounds. It's hazy and slurred to his ears. The voice resonates again, "Can youhear me? Ian?"
Ian. That name…something inside his
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Phantoms Of Another Universe
Look.
I'll tell it like it was.
black.
cold.
wretched.
Static clung to the air
like ornaments on a Christmas tree
and we were graced with the odd arced lightning.
Oh, it was cold.
so cold.
I remember not seeing,
my fingers frozen off as
feeling receded from them
like waves on a beach.
how could I even be sure
they were.
still.
there?
the forgotten memory of a sunset
lay imprinted on my brain,
and its absence made the night
emptier than ever.
we waited.
we waited for the moon to rise,
for the clouds to shift,
for the e-lec-tri-ci-ty to stop
(like lost travelers stumbling
in the desert waiting for an
oasis mir
Suggested Collections
CHAPTER ONE - PAGE ONE
My Demonic Ghost is now a completed trilogy:
My Demonic Ghost: Banished Spirits www.amazon.com/Banished-Spirit…
My Demonic Ghost: The Reapers www.amazon.com/Reapers-My-Demo…
My Demonic Ghost: Hunters and Creators www.amazon.com/Hunters-Creator…
Next Page
To All Readers of My Demonic Ghost -
My Demonic Ghost follows the story of a delivishly young spirit boy, named Lock, in his journey to escaping his punishment from Hell by using any means possible.
Alongside his new Host, Rachael, the two go against some of the greatest Demons known and unknown to man kind, dragging young Rachael into a losing battle.
My Demonic Ghost is now a completed trilogy:
My Demonic Ghost: Banished Spirits www.amazon.com/Banished-Spirit…
My Demonic Ghost: The Reapers www.amazon.com/Reapers-My-Demo…
My Demonic Ghost: Hunters and Creators www.amazon.com/Hunters-Creator…
Next Page
To All Readers of My Demonic Ghost -
My Demonic Ghost follows the story of a delivishly young spirit boy, named Lock, in his journey to escaping his punishment from Hell by using any means possible.
Alongside his new Host, Rachael, the two go against some of the greatest Demons known and unknown to man kind, dragging young Rachael into a losing battle.
© 2012 - 2024 JacintaMaree
Comments13
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Hey although I can see where you're going with this story, most of the sentences don't make sense at the moment. It should be easy to fix and it will definitely improve the story a lot:
"I use to not fear death but now it follows me behind every turn" --> use = used, and there should be a comma behind 'death', follows me behind every turn doesn't make sense, that implies that the two of them are going around in circles, waits for me behind every turn would make a lot more sense, but I'm not too sure if that is the message you're trying to convey here. Are you trying to say that death is trying to claim her or does she meet it everywhere she goes?
"I was nervous. Visibly nervous, my fingers didn't let my luggage handle go since the beginning of the trip. It must've been nearly two years ago when I last rode the Whitehaven train alone" --> the first sentence is too short and could easily be combined with the first half of the following sentence. But I personally feel that you should get rid of them completely, the not letting go of the handle could be expanded on and that would show off the feelings more clearly for your reader than when you spell it out like that. The last sentence states that it was NEARLY TWO years ago since the character had been on the train, but later on you say that she was three years younger the last time she was there... this clearly doesn't match and you should change one of them or more clearly explain what's going on.
"It was a two hour trip with the clattering and whinging of train wheels rolling over their tracks." --> this feels really awkward, the beginning and end just don't match well, I think you can find a better way to illustrate the sounds of the train.
"But now I hardly noticed, I hardly noticed anything anymore." --> 2nd time in two paragraphs that you're repeating most of your sentence, it's quite annoying and doesn't really contribute anything more to the story than one sentence would do.
"My eyes were glued to the endless passing of water down below, its navy glow reflecting off the orange and faded pink tinge spread across the sky." --> personally I think the first half of the sentence is very cliche, the second part doesn't make sense, i think you swapped them around. The navy glow can't reflect of the sky, but the sky can be reflected in the sea.
"The sun, it was setting, tucking itself back into its slumber behind the lips of the far mountains. I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip." --> Although the first part doesn't make sense, because someone can't tuck itself back into slumber, I quite like the lips of the far mountains!
"I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip." --> nothing wrong with this sentence perse, but it doesn't match well with the bit before it, try to form a connection so you keep the flow of the story.
I could go on, but I think just these tips can be applied throughout your writing, seen as you are very consistent in the type of mistakes you make. Anyway, keep up the good work!
"I use to not fear death but now it follows me behind every turn" --> use = used, and there should be a comma behind 'death', follows me behind every turn doesn't make sense, that implies that the two of them are going around in circles, waits for me behind every turn would make a lot more sense, but I'm not too sure if that is the message you're trying to convey here. Are you trying to say that death is trying to claim her or does she meet it everywhere she goes?
"I was nervous. Visibly nervous, my fingers didn't let my luggage handle go since the beginning of the trip. It must've been nearly two years ago when I last rode the Whitehaven train alone" --> the first sentence is too short and could easily be combined with the first half of the following sentence. But I personally feel that you should get rid of them completely, the not letting go of the handle could be expanded on and that would show off the feelings more clearly for your reader than when you spell it out like that. The last sentence states that it was NEARLY TWO years ago since the character had been on the train, but later on you say that she was three years younger the last time she was there... this clearly doesn't match and you should change one of them or more clearly explain what's going on.
"It was a two hour trip with the clattering and whinging of train wheels rolling over their tracks." --> this feels really awkward, the beginning and end just don't match well, I think you can find a better way to illustrate the sounds of the train.
"But now I hardly noticed, I hardly noticed anything anymore." --> 2nd time in two paragraphs that you're repeating most of your sentence, it's quite annoying and doesn't really contribute anything more to the story than one sentence would do.
"My eyes were glued to the endless passing of water down below, its navy glow reflecting off the orange and faded pink tinge spread across the sky." --> personally I think the first half of the sentence is very cliche, the second part doesn't make sense, i think you swapped them around. The navy glow can't reflect of the sky, but the sky can be reflected in the sea.
"The sun, it was setting, tucking itself back into its slumber behind the lips of the far mountains. I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip." --> Although the first part doesn't make sense, because someone can't tuck itself back into slumber, I quite like the lips of the far mountains!
"I had lingered on the edge of sleep through most of the trip." --> nothing wrong with this sentence perse, but it doesn't match well with the bit before it, try to form a connection so you keep the flow of the story.
I could go on, but I think just these tips can be applied throughout your writing, seen as you are very consistent in the type of mistakes you make. Anyway, keep up the good work!